Checklist for Terrible Flyers

March 31, 2016
Fares from Washington DC:

    Douse Yourself in Perfume or Cologne

    Before you leave the house or hotel, liberally spray yourself with a strong, long-lasting fragrance. Bonus points if you do this in lieu of taking an actual shower. Worried your scent might fade mid-flight? Be sure to pack a travel-sized atomizer to refresh while you're in the air.

    Block the Way for People Boarding

    You're in boarding group six, but the gate agents are calling boarding group one. This is the time to rush to the gate and stand there like you're in line, confusing anyone who is trying to board at the appropriate time. Don't forget to try your luck and attempt to before your group is called—maybe you can sneak in!

    Hit People With Your Backpack as You Walk Down the Aisle

    Now that you've loaded your oversize carry-on to the max, forget that it's on your back and slam it into the faces of people sitting down on the aisle. Then cram your bag into the first empty overhead bin (who cares that you're sitting all the way in the back?) so you don't have to lug it up and down the aisle—genius!

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    Immediately Recline Your Seat All the Way

    The minute your plane lifts off the ground, hit that recline button fast, hard, and without warning. Should you check to see if the person behind you has something you might hit, like a baby on the lap, long legs, or a computer? No way, you paid for those extra inches. Which is also why you won't be putting your seat up for meal service.

    RELATED: OP-ED: It's My Right to Recline My Seat

    Let Your Child Run Wild

    Your kid is so freaking cute that you're sure everyone on the plane wants to hang out with him, so letting him run up and down the aisle is really a service for them, isn't it? Also, you're really into this nurturing parenting philosophy you just read about, so you're not going to stop your kid from expressing himself by kicking the back of the seat in front of him endlessly for the next eight hours.

    Break Out the Stinky Snacks

    The tuna fish sandwich you packed may have gone bad a few hours ago, but you're certainly not one of those suckers who pays for airport or airplane food, so go ahead and break out that fragrant, fishy meal. The looks the other passengers are shooting your way are probably just because they're hungry and jealous.

    RELATED: 10 Tasty Snacks You Can Bring on the Plane

    Take Your Stinky Shoes Off

    Man, your feet sure are sweaty and swollen! Let them breathe by slipping those moist shoes off and getting some sweet recycled air flowing across your bare feet. A little foot odor probably won't even be noticeable after you unpack that tuna sandwich anyway.

    Strike Up a Loud Conversation

    Your seatmates might have their eyes closed and headphones on, but could you really forgive yourself if you didn't take a moment to introduce yourself and explain to them exactly who they should vote for in the presidential election? Don't worry about the volume of your voice, it's hard to hear over engine noise and besides, the people in the surrounding rows are going to want to hear this too.

    RELATED: 8 Foods You Should Never Eat Before Flying

    Get Drunk

    It's time for the real party to start! Order up as many in-flight cocktails as you can before the flight attendant cuts you off. Everyone on the plane will find you way more charming, and the flight time will practically fly by.

    RELATED: How to Make Your Chatty Seatmate Shut Up (Without Violence)

    Push Your Way Out of the Plane as Soon as It Lands

    You don't have an urgent connection to make, but why should you have to spend a second longer inside the plane? Before the seatbelt sign even turns off, you're out of your seat and rushing up to the (closed) door. See you later, suckers!

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    Read the original story: Checklist for Terrible Flyers by Caroline Morse, who is a regular contributor to SmarterTravel.

    (Photo:Thinkstock/iStock)

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